Exactly three months ago today I saw a movie and made a promise. The movie was Skyline. The promise was to write a review. Being a man of my word, albeit one who fulfills promises at a glacial pace, I hereby present my thoughts on what is possibly the shittiest, most overtly referential sci-fi movie in the last 10 years, maybe more – my memory is both poor and short.
Of course, a good reviewer shouldn't ruin the movie for those who haven't seen it by detailing the plot, but in this case there's no way around it. Or more accurately, it's impossible to describe this abomination without referencing the multiple sources from which it has been awkwardly cobbled together. Plus, with a movie this bad, the only redeeming factor is the meagre joy one can glean from trashing it after the fact. Ergo, trash I shall.
[Beware! Spoilers follow!]
The story begins with a party in an upscale condo attended by rich, good-looking twenty-somethings (like in Cloverfield) who soon discover there are spaceships outside which turn you into a zombie if you stare at their lights, making gross veins pop out all over your body and your eyes go white (like Frodo when he gets stabbed by the Witch King in Fellowship of the Ring). After blowing up a bunch of shit, the aliens finally reveal their ships hovering over a burnt-out L.A. (like in District 9) and release giant monsters to wreak havoc (like in Godzilla or pretty much 95% of sci-fi movies ever made), while a band of our partygoers struggle to outwit the behemoths and survive (like in Jurassic Park).
Of course, a couple of them get spectacularly smushed or eaten (and the characters are so annoying you're actually glad it happens), at which point the remnants are then pursued through their building by baddies (like in Signs) and then out onto the rooftop (like every crappy superhero flick you've ever seen). All the while, of course, the U.S. Army is battling the aliens (like in Independence Day) while it starts to look more and more like the City of Angels might end up as a skid mark on California's undies (like in 2012).
At this point, my memory gets a bit foggy, but I think the lead actor fights one of the aliens with a big gun (like in Starship Troopers). Alas, this is of no avail, and he and the heroine get sucked up into the mothership, the inside of which is gooey with eggs and larvae (like in Alien. Or was that Aliens?). The aliens are feeding on human energy (like in The Matrix) and end up putting the guy's brain into one of their monsters, but he overpowers it and ends up being an alien with a human mind (like in Avatar). And thus it ends: he's now an alien, she's still a human, both in a spaceship headed for god knows where. Oh, and I think the chick ends up pregnant, although that might have been something I read on the bathroom wall when I left to take a whiz halfway through.
So that's the skinny on this rancid, Frankenstein's monster of a movie. You're welcome for saving you a precious 1.5 hours of your life, plus the eye-strain and price of admission [Edit: Or maybe only the rental fee, by now]. The next sci-fi blockbuster I plan to see? Battle: Los Angeles. The premise? The U.S army takes on alien intruders attacking Los Angeles.
Who's with me??
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