Men, what I'm about to tell you is Top Secret, and I'll be kicked out of the International Woman's Collective if they ever find out, so let's keep this strictly confidential.

Here's the thing. It's that time of year again, and I've just been asked for my List.

But it's a rock-and-a-hard-place situation for women when it comes to gift lists. Men ask us for them, but they miss the point. It's basically one of those "if you have to ask..." kinda things. You guys already know that despite all the years of evidence to the contrary, most of us do, to some extent at least, expect you to exercise a modicum of "mind-reading ability," as you call it. And here's the season when those expectations can most often come to grief.

With the goal of helping you to navigate this particular relationship minefield, I'm revealing the following.

When we make lists, when you ask us for them, and when (or if) we give them to you, they probably don't include the things we'd REALLY like. Those items won't appear on any list. (And please know that this is not entirely just to be oblique and mysterious; it's partly because many of us are still saddled with that whole "everybody else's needs come before mine" crap.) The Official List items are likely to skew way more toward the "needs" category vs. the "wants." Things that would make life a little easier; things that would upgrade something we already have; things for the house.

What I'm trying to say is, and I know this is Unfair, but The Official List is not really going to help you if your goal is to wow us, and it certainly won't help if you want to surprise slash delight us. For starters, here's a helpful hint: unless specifically requested, gift cards fall under the Complete Cop-Out category, and chocolate, jewellery, and skimpy lingerie (which is really for you, not us), though lovely, generally doesn't cut it either. As well, store or on-line gift guides are themselves well-nigh useless, I hope you realize, unless you spot an item that twigs you to something your Significant Other has already mentioned.

Sorry, Dudes, but the only way to achieve wow and delight is to listen carefully. Because it's not really mind-reading that's required; it's just paying attention.

We've already told you the content of our secret wish lists, I can almost guarantee it. But those items won't appear on the lists we've given you. They are the relationship Easter eggs that are yours for the finding, if you've listened enough to know where to look. And as those who've learned this secret know, they are well worth the search.

I know! I told you it was Unfair! This could even fall under the "Game-Playing" heading in the Book of Why Women Don't Make Sense, that catechism I know you love to recite to each other.

But I guess I'm tired of following these stoopid commandments and wish we could just get past all the rigmarole. To that end, I'm risking excommunication to leak this one small key to the kingdom, so listen up. Think back. What did she ooh and ahh over at the mall but you know would never get for herself? What did she admire when you were over at your friends' place that time? What item in that new catalogue did she point out to you for "someday"? Oh, and if you do manage to capture some of these ephemeral moments, fergodssake, write them down somewhere you can find them.

If it's too late or you simply weren't listening, you might have to resort to outside help, but this can still be worthwhile. Talk to her friends. If you humbly confess your sins of not paying attention, they might take pity on you, absolve you, and give you the scoop on a Real List item. Or at least on what you should be listening for.

And here's helpful hint number two: for many—or maybe even most—of us, gifts of time outstrip gifts of stuff by far. We'd love more time with you, more time for ourselves, some time away, more time to sleep, to read, to linger over coffee with our friends. So offer to take over one of our chores; make arrangements to take us to a concert or run off with us for a dirty weekend; sign us up for a couples cooking class or a wine-tasting event; give us a homemade "gift card" for a regular night off to do whatever we want.

Gifts like these are tough to wrap, and take some imagination and commitment—and don't get me wrong, we also love getting stuff (especially toys!)—but anything you can do along these lines will be appreciated more than we can express. Two words. Win–win.

Of course, the whole Christmas gift-giving thing's a clever stratagem that not even Womankind can be blamed for. We know we shouldn't be so focussed on all the stuff and the buying and the list-making and the Secret-Santa-ing in the first place. But let's get real. Most of us aren't quite ready to move to the ashram. For here and now, in this list-crazy world, I hope this helps.

Happy Holidays, and good luck out there.